October.

Sometimes someone says something really small and it fits right into this empty place in your heart. Eyes are the best story tellers you know.

I hide inside my scenic heart.
Words hurt.
But that’s okay.
I can deal with a messed up me
but what do I do with a messed up you?
tell me what should I do with the sadness inside of you?

red dress, blue hair, glasses on and loose Tee’s
tell me a hundred stories.
ah! shut up,just let your eyes speak.

she asks me to hold her into my arms like no one has ever held before; and to kiss her barefoot in the terrace above while the moonlight flickers.

Eyes just like stars
but most of her words are new.
she reminds me only a little but enough of my yesterdays.

I wrote about this girl I had once loved,
some days I really want to talk about her, she used to ask me how being alive actually feels?
and I tell her
like a two sided coin, life and death flips, with hope amidst.

it’s comforting to know
that I have fallen for her
and I could fall no more
that’s what
my extents behold
and i can’t make sense of
how all the love in the universe
isn’t enough for the love in her heart.

October reveals colors,
trees have hidden all year,
she has an october as well.
Perhaps, this one time
I’ll ask her
to put her hopes
between my palms
cause I don’t intend
to let her go
from my arms.
I’ll keep her hopes safe
in my hands,
now and forever.

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Lust.

Let’s play
a stripping game
show me your soul
know my secrets
until we are done
with no masks on.
You smell like books
and I wanna read you all.

Go inside
ruin my head
have deep conversations
with it
and slow kisses.
I am a passionate,
raw,
mad,
bittersweet,
black and white melody;
and you’re a sweet
coloured song.
My depths
You can’t reach
so stop trying to,
leave me alone
but stay by my side
there’s lot of pain
you can’t see through.

Like cigarettes
even if you would have come
with a warning
I’d still have fallen for you anyway.
whiskey on the rounds
nor free vodka shots
I wanna inhale you instead
I LUST for your broken pieces
and I wanna love them whole.
Your smirk,on my touch
expressions and more
You dance on my tunes
like an unchained melody
you are a song
of skin and souls
breath it in,
the demon you behold.
I lay bare
My wrist on you;
I round my eyes
into your soul
hands under your tshirt,
thinking about
If it makes you whole?

There’s a rebellion in your heart
and I Lust for them
without your masks.
And there you were
locked up in chains
and I have finally freed you
from your thoughts,
I understand you
this is what you call a need,
an addiction.
Like,
a blood sucking
aggressive Vampire,
I poured agony into you
stiffened your vessels
cut open your wrist
and sipped your blood
brought you back to life
brought you back
but now you’re both
dead and alive
And that’s what this need is like
emptying us
as much as
making us complete.

The night moved slowly
yet,your thoughts
started moving
at the speed of light,
You questioned me;
I just held you in my arms
your face against mine.
don’t ever let me
fall out of you
just in
inside,
in care of you.
uncovered my legs
I lie bare beside you
don’t let me
put my legs
against yours,
don’t let me ruin your
virtues.

It’s too dark
And I am afraid
just put your lips
against my head
You know it helps
let the tunnel of fear go on,
I’d rather be
romanticizing your breaths.
give me your demons
& all the angels in you,
I want to burn them
to the ashes
and breathe you.
Your fingers into mine
kiss my thoughts,
and let me bath you
with my insanity.
I wanna see you
smile again,
And I wanna ease
your so called pain.

Your black brown hair
into yellow nights air
I Wanna put my hands down
your spine,
you Just whisper something
in my ear
And I promise
to hold you tender
like you are meant to slip away
from the spaces between my fingers.
Anchored to your body
I promise to live you pure
for what time you are meant to stay
so don’t call me love’
for you don’t know any other way
And I wanna be anchored to your soul anyway.

this night is long
And you don’t wanna sleep alone
and I don’t know how to stay
I don’t know how to stay
I don’t know how to stay
promise me you won’t ask me to stay!
I am bad for you,
yet I want you
i am hungry
for your soul
Your sunshine
your insecurities
Your scars
and your uncertainities.
Your lips crumble my bones
and burn me naked
I am awkward
yet, I won’t leave you alone.
hold me tighter
i would stay
promise I would stay
for as long as you would say
for as long as you would say
for as long as you would say….

Pretending to be okay?

Depression is a thief stealing your soul, calmness, sometimes friends and family!

I ain’t telling you to be the most positive person on the planet because that would be like burying some horrible trauma deep down and covering it with unrelenting positivity. It comes across as fake, and I feel like they judge others for actually feeling their feelings, saying things like, “Put a smile on!” or “Don’t be a Debbie -downer!” — I am allowed to be upset when bad things happen!

What I have done and what I’ll leave behind.

Going back to the moment in life,Where I made a mistake; a mistake that i never realized was a mistake, one that i am embarrased to share. One that’s so infinitesimal that it doesn’t even matter. But somewhere it matters to me. A lot.
A decade before I started blaming everyone for the things I failed to achieve, like if I am unable to get good marks it’s because my surrounding isn’t that upgraded. Because Urdu medium students never get more than 60% in general. I had stupid excuses and the dumbest visions for anything and everything coming my way.
“It always felt like I am driving my life like i stole it from someone.”
I ran from myself. I prison myself in high definition mirage of fiction until the red lights of reality hit me hard on my face and stopped all of my imaginations, rant and anger I had on everyone.
What were these prison made of? My thoughts, the key was in the cage; the challenge was to unlock myself out of the trap. The trap my mind made outta nothingness.
My 6 by 8 place was so small for the optimistic thoughts, holding tightly the key in my hands still my agony never let me open the lock. Ego said not yet.
How do I rip off the root that stem from within me? I never know how to escape those demons. I started trying.
I grow up to be calm. Each second I had to remind myself that NONE but I am responsible for my own happiness, for the thing that happened, it’s not necessarily have to be a mistake. Neither yours nor theirs or anyone. Life is a self- creation and circumstances the raw materials. Circumstances are not good or bad. They are just like a strings of events that leads the book to it’s end. It’s necessary. It’s required.
I relaized, the human brain is highly evolved for emotions. The more i neglected anyone to enter my personal space,the easily people come and disturb the wave. Teaching myself to avoid feelings and relationships was an emotional trauma to my brain.
Luckily;I learnt it the hard way, that living a human life means experiencing trauma; large/small. Yet, humans have the power to heal,physiologically and emotionally, and that’s through emotional safety and connection with others. I was entering a new world. My introvertness turned into empathy; yet I feel the word is too strong. I always wanted to empathize people just as i wanted them to empathize me.

.

.

.

:))

Idk.

I don’t know
that
I always knew;
what once known
is suddenly unknown
And all that is familiar
I can’t relate to it anymore!!

When you know you know.

As sorrowful gust of wind that blew right in between the silver linings,I found myself Staring at the painted clouds,realizing there is a shallow superficial structure surrounding substances sophisticatedly.

Where did it find the loneliness it carried on the breeze? The occasional fireflies and the steady street-lamp couldn’t cure the darkness it carried.

Looking up at the stars after shedding a bit of loneliness, the breeze moved towards the northern sky,changing it’s direction, although never knowing the destination. Aren’t we humans, like those gentle air, ever changing-never knowing?

I could see for miles of blue,its never been so clear; down on the town below I believed, the birds on the wire encouraged me to be like the breeze,signalling me to change the direction on a directionless path. I know it’s time.

🙂

I’d trade everything to be in your arms again!

Six feet under

Somewhere near

Not too far;

Her memories

I try to decipher ,

Like a Morse code;

dots and dashes or dits and dahs

Combining every letter,

Her words,

Her actions,

The pattern she used to work in,

Unravelling The ties;

I remember she told me,

She won’t be here for long,

I remember She told me;

To love everyone as she does,

I remember she told me,

She wanted me in her arms,

Being here

But wanting to be there

Why I don’t remember

She telling me,

I love her

As much as she does?
.

.

.

.

.

.

Perhaps she believed I don’t.